“The partially mummified body of a man dead for more than a year has been found in a chair in front of his television, which was still on . . . . The home’s dry air had preserved his features, morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus said. ‘You could see his face. He still had hair on his head.’”
Northern (MI) Express
Well, you took your own sweet time, didn’t you?
Should have known none of my worthless kids
would check up on me, not to mention my moron
of a nephew. Surprised you geniuses didn’t hear from
the lowlife next door or that busybody wife of his.
He’s always grousing that the TV’s too loud and she’s
got way more time on her hands than anybody needs.
Took burst pipes to get you college boys out here,
did it? Well, don’t be calling that plumber of mine unless
you want to pay an arm and two legs and then get told
you need a whole new pump. You tell my smarty-pants
daughter what you said about the dry air. She’s always
on me to get a damned humidifier, like we need a lot more
humidity around here. Hell, after Memorial Day you
might as well stop breathing. Global warming my sweet
ass, in July it’s warm enough to boil your eyeballs
and always has been. Long Island Sound rises up
and heads this way, I’ll be the first one in. You tell that
to Mr. Al used-to-be-the-next-president Gore.
And what are you staring at, Jughead? Course I got
my hair. Some reason I shouldn’t? Got my fingernails
too, and my toenails and most of my teeth and both of my
testiculars, you care to check? I got my right mind too,
so don’t be thinking about pulling any stunts. Do something
useful for once and turn that squawk box off. There’s not
a damned thing on there worth any sane person’s time,
and believe you me I know what I’m talking about. Idiots
on parade, one after another, morning noon and night,
twenty-four-seven. Come to think of it, maybe you’d
enjoy that, Numbnuts. You could join right in. Here, take
the chair, it’s all yours. If it’s just all right with you boy wizards,
I’m going to get me a slice of shut-eye. Don’t let the door
hit you in your bony ass on the way out.